For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Sex:

1: either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures.

2: the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females.

3: a sexually motivated phenomena or behavior.

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Well, that’s how the frikkin dictionary defines it. Amazing how something so natural takes something the size of a paragraph to explain. Worse than that, when you were young and made the mistake of uttering this word in front of your parents you were told either of the following:
· “Don’t say that word”
· “You’re too young to know”
· “It’s all about the birds and the bees”

What I would like to ask them is, if it’s about the fucking birds and the bees then why the fuck aren’t we flying in the air with foot long stingers sticking out of our arses. It’s funny how the parents try hiding stuff like this from you especially when they know, that probably you know more than them or you’ll find out from reading the next issue of Human Digest.

I was packed off to Sanawar when I was about 10, and later that year a couple of my seniors took me along to Kasuali on a day trip. It’s a tiny hill station with very little to do. We ate some food, played some video games and generally wasted time. Then, out of the blue one of the seniors piped up and said, “Let’s go watch a movie.” I, being all of 10, became super excited thinking Action, slapstick, Jackie Chan. They were thinking almost the same but they had action of some different sort on their minds.

So, there we were sitting in a, smelling of piss, 15-seater theatre waiting for the show to start. Besides us, there were two to three locals. The show began and the name of the movie was “The Carpenter.” The last time I had heard that name was my father saying something about the band. Hence, I thought it’d be one of those serious type movies because my father is a very serious man. The first scene began with this dude leaving his wife at home to go to work. Then, about 10 seconds later, someone rang the bell and the wife, who had by now miraculously changed into a heavy- breathing, almost naked sex goddess, opened the door. What followed was a lot of tossing and tumbling, accompanied with lots of slurping, aahs and oohs.

To tell you the truth, it wasn’t really a pleasant experience, especially with half the fucking theatre jacking off to something you were told was inherent only to the birds and the bees.
I walked out feeling rather confused and dazed, knowing that I had probably witnessed how adults actually make babies.

That summer, I happened to come across some written material, which was pretty elaborate in describing everything carnal. It was quite interesting learning how genitalia could be referred to by a wide array of names and just how easy it was for men and women to have SEX.
By the time I was 13, I had collected a lot of impressive literature on the topic and since it became harder to stash, my mother finally managed to find one of the many. I think she became suspicious with the amount of time I started spending in the loo. What followed was a barrage of questions. What, where, how? Who gave this to you? Do you have more? Do you know what you’re reading? I’m proud to say that I could explain what I was reading and the rest I chose not to answer.

It was left at that and eventually the time came for me to go to College. My mother, being the worry-pot she is, decided to finally talk to me about the shunned word. I obviously had a smirk the size of the Cheshire cat’s. It’s amazing, that, at 18 she thought I didn’t know anything about it. Well’ I put her fears to rest by being very forthcoming and the issue was resolved. I was to not have any intercourse, but oral sex was ok. It had taken my mother 18 years to talk to me about the most commonly known fact to man and my father never even tried. But that’s cool, I’m sure I’m not alone on this one.